Lately, I've been working with a very bright, insightful, 19 year-old client. She recently earned her GED, which was a huge accomplishment for her based on the circumstances, past and present. And now, after such an accomplishment, her progress has slowed and she is extremely hesitant to enroll in another education program, no matter how many options I present. No matter how much encouragement I give. Something is blocking her. And in a recent visit with her she said, "You know, I think it's not that I'm afraid to fail. I think I'm afraid of what will happen if I actually succeed."
Wow. "What WILL happen?" I asked her. She had no answer to this question. At least, not yet.
Is she afraid that if she succeeds in school and is able to succeed in a career, that she will gain some sort of superior status in her family, who has always lived in poverty? Is she afraid of the guilt that will bring, or some other uncomfortable feelings? Or - is it just the sheer terror of not knowing what that type of future will look like, because she has no frame of reference for it?
Her statement has taken me on a swirling path through my thoughts about human behavior, and the tendency to cling to that which is familiar. No matter how damaging, limiting, unhealthy, or negative this place of familiarity is. The fear of the unknown is so daunting... it often seems to trump the benefits of a much needed change for the better, and traps us in places that are not always good for us.
Many of us have stayed in bad relationships, bad jobs, or other bad situations, because the comfort of familiarity overpowered (in our minds) all we would gain from letting go or walking away from that relationship, that job, or that situation. Some of us have even been treated unfairly, put down, or had other means of diminished self-esteem in whatever situation we were in. But we stayed there, because it was all we knew. It was most familiar. And many of us have parked ourselves in content or lukewarm places, because facing a blank canvas of possibility is too overwhelming to wrap our brains around.
In some cases, this thought process and resulting behaviors are extremely self-destructive. Think of addicts, or those who remain in abusive relationships. Some people say, "Well why can't they just leave? Why can't they walk away?" There is a multitude of extremely complex answers to these questions. But one theory is that they believe - somewhere deep down - that it is better to live in pain, tethered to the source, because at least it is something they know. They take comfort in the familiarity of it all, and the comfort (in their minds) is more powerful than the alternative.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I am trying to be aware of my own patterns that might be self-destructive. And I am not okay with lukewarm. I want to be better. Despite the unknowns. I want to release control of the unhealthy familiar, in order to achieve living life to its outer edges. In order to feel fully alive and to discover the depths of capacity within myself. And I want others to believe and know in their hearts the depths of their capacity, too. That they deserve more. That they ARE more. And that their fear cowers in comparison to the power of what is in their heart and soul. To the strength that lies - sometimes dormant - within.
So how to we do it? How do we push forward through our fears, letting go of the familiar, to pursue a better life that we cannot yet see? A better sense of self? Of balance? With more happiness, more peace, and more capacity to live and love?
For many, inspiration often comes from faith. Faith is, after all, believing in something that we cannot see. And so I look to my own faith tradition, and others, for answers:
The Bible (Judeo - Christian philosophy) says:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41: 10
Buddist philosophy states:
Let go of the things that no longer serve you.
Islamic philosophy encourages:
Make the most of your life before your death.
In other, simpler words: be brave, let go, and do the best you possibly can.
All things considered, this is a life-long process. This is not easy. Things do ebb and flow. Sometimes we change and we grow, and sometimes we stay the same. And every new day is a blank canvas. We always have this new day, over and over again. This gift. This opportunity to be brave, to let go, and to do the best we can for ourselves. And by extension, for others too.
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