A Mother's Work

Mike and I have been watching the AMC show Mad Men. I love it.  Besides being just an all-around excellent show, it's fascinating to watch how history unfolds and how things change over time during the series - especially for women.  How men treated women, how society treated women, what the norms and expectations were, etc.  Traditionally, men were the breadwinners and women were the caretakers - of family and home.  The show explores how, during that time, women were beginning to become more accepted in the workforce, and how our options were expanding.  How women fought to bring themselves into a more even playing field with men.  (Or into the field, at all).  Watching how society was trending even then, you would think that by now, we would have come so far in terms of equality.  In terms of freedom of choice for women, and acceptance by society of what women decide to do with their lives -with their work, their family, their homes, etc.  We have come far - but not nearly far enough.  Women are still held to a scrupulous level of expectation.  And often judged, no matter what she decides. 

Now, I don't classify myself as a feminist.  And this post isn't a "man versus woman" thing.  It's actually more of a "woman versus woman" thing.  It's about the highly charged, ridiculous (in my opinion), judgement-laden battle that exists in our society between the notion of "working moms" and "stay at home" moms.  And it hurts my heart to know that there are so many women judging women, men judging women, women judging themselves - about this powerful, personal choice of what to do once we have children in our lives. As if having something as life-changing and identity-shifting as having a child isn't hard enough. 

And I know from personal experience, that this is a pain-staking, difficult, heavy decision to make.  It's extremely complex.  It pulls on so many emotional cords and intersects with hard realities of life.  The decision to work or to stay at home is so much more than a discussion about shifting to life with one income.  It's all-encompassing.  It incorporates themes of identity, self-worth, expectation, financial responsibility, family values, and so much more.  

And for some, the decision may be simpler than for others.  But here's how I feel - no one, NO ONE knows all the details of what is going on in someone else's life, and why they make the decisions they do.  Perhaps you're a single mother who has no other choice but to work outside the home to financially support her family.  Or perhaps your husband makes plenty of money and you could stay home, but you love your job.  It gives you esteem and worth.  And to not do your job would make you overall an unhappy/unhealthy person, and therefore, not the best mother to your child.  Or perhaps it's not financially doable or responsible to stay home with your children.  Or perhaps you've decided that your heart is set on staying home with your children - even if you were attached to your work or not.  And financially, this will work for your family.  Bottom line is, everyone makes the decision that is right and feasible for their own family, and their own family situation.

So, I'm confused.  I'm confused because, since all mothers out there know how difficult and heavy and emotionally charged this decision is - why do we continue to judge each other?  Why aren't we supporting each other in this delicate place?  Why do we compare our lives, stating that one choice is better than the other?  Why is it so hard to relate to people who make a different decision than our own?  Why is this such a huge debate?  Why can't all we have more compassion for someone else's struggle to decide?

Sigh.

I don't know.  Perhaps we're all human, after all. 

I currently work part-time. (And in the essence of full disclosure - we are extremely fortunate and beyond grateful to have my generous, caring in-laws who live 10 minutes from us, take care of our daughter on the days/times that I work.   Without whom, working part-time may not be an option for us.)  And so I feel like I get a little glimpse into both worlds - the working mom world, and the stay at home mom world.  And I can say, that BOTH are extremely challenging and come with their own joys and struggles. 

Anyone who says that staying at home with their children is not "work", is completely uninformed.  It is the greatest sacrifice of personal space and time, and it's constant.  Constant work. And I know from talking to full-time stay at home moms that it can be extremely isolating, lonely, and mind-numbingly tedious.  On the days that I'm home with my daughter, sometimes I don't have time to eat lunch - or I eat while doing four other things. And by the time she goes to bed at 8pm, I'm usually ready to fall over, too.  It's exhausting.  I had NO idea what this was like before I had a child of my own.   I was completely uninformed.  However, I love it at the same time.  I have so much joy, being with my little girl.  There are moments of true amazement and bliss. Days at home with her are so full. 

And for working moms... life can sometimes be compared to a crazy train.  Not enough time to fit it all in.  And your mind and heart is often divided between your work world and home world.  And you work all day, then come home and work until the kids go to bed.  This can be lonely and isolating, too - because amidst all the responsibility at work and at home, maybe there isn't enough time left to nurture your marriage/relationship, close friendships, or relationships with extended family members. (Not to mention, time to nurture yourself.) And, I know from talking to some of my full-time working mom friends that although they may love their jobs, they sometimes struggle with guilt for not being home more.  What a horrible emotional weight to carry... on top of everything else.

For me, although it can be extremely demanding, I personally enjoy my work very much.  And I enjoy having the break from being home. (I even feel guilty writing this, honest as it is. Ugh.) And it's financially responsible for us.  It feels like a healthy balance for me - right now, anyways.  Things can always shift, and inevitably, they do. 

And so I just wish.... I just aspire from the depths of my being, for our society and for our women and our moms, that we could all value equally the work that we do - whether in the home or out.  And that we could all live without this ever-pervasive "mom guilt" that is like a dagger to our hearts.  And that we could choose freely, without the fear of judgement, from self or others.  And that we didn't have to spend any energy at all trying to defend why we're doing what we do.  Whatever it is.  I just wish.


All things considered, we may be a long way off.  But, I don't think it's too much to wish for. 


She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along.  ~Margaret Culkin Banning